Opinion | Let’s make this the golden age of friendship (2024)

I explored this paradox while researching and writing my book, “Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections.” I talked to more than 100 people of different ages, economic and racial backgrounds, and gender identities. I listened to their most intimate, vulnerable stories about their friendships. I asked about their friendscapes — how they gravitate toward certain friends over others as their mutual interests and passions evolve. I consulted academics, researchers and mental health professionals. I learned that even though friendships are just as crucial to our well-being as romantic and familial relationships, we do not organize our lives to include them regularly. We lack the language to discuss these bonds. We apply the ambiguous heading of “friends” to our entire social circle, which doesn’t account for these relationships’ varying degrees of closeness. We also struggle with articulating our wants and needs to one another. But we can change that. Here’s what I’ve learned about how to understand modern friendships.

According to a May survey by the Survey Center on American Life, the number of Americans’ close friends has plummeted compared with levels recorded in 1990.

Researchers point to a variety of reasons for the alarming shift. Several boil down to changes in our personal and professional lives: Most of us work longer hours, we have longer commutes for work, and those of us who are parents spend twice as much time with our children than previous generations.

At the same time, how we prioritize spending our free time has also changed. Modernity has allowed us to embrace equality, individualism, choice, self-expression and freedom, so our friendships naturally reflect those values, wrote author and essayist William Deresiewicz in the Chronicle for Higher Education.

“The modern temper runs toward unrestricted fluidity and flexibility, the endless play of possibility, and so is perfectly suited to the informal, improvisational nature of friendship,” Deresiewicz wrote. “We can be friends with whomever we want, however we want, for as long as we want.” That’s the beauty and burden of modern friendship.

Our phones are full of friends we love, but we rarely contact them. That’s not a knock on us. This lack of communication is because friendships aren’t just about caring. They need an about, a clear and compelling reason to stay active. If you’re feeling a friendship start to cool, the reason to be in the friendship might be unclear or outdated for one or both people. This is a problem because every active close friendship needs a reason for both people to pursue it wholeheartedly.

“Friendship must be about something, even if it were only an enthusiasm for dominoes or white mice,” C.S. Lewis wrote in his book “The Four Loves.” “Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow travelers.”

​​Lewis said the biggest mistake people make when looking for friends is not focusing on the reason both individuals should want to be in the friendship. As you forge new friendships or reignite old ones, ask yourself: Do we have a clear and compelling reason to seek each other out? What can we do together that will incite passion and irresistible excitement?

British anthropologist Robin Dunbar identified seven cultural dimensions that indicate friendship potential in his book “Friends: Understanding the Power of our Most Important Relationships.” He said he discovered these “seven pillars of friendship” working on a project with a group of computer scientists to determine how likely people were to trust others. These are common abouts we find in friendships:

“The more of these boxes you tick with someone, the more time you will be prepared to invest in them, the more emotionally close you will feel toward them, the closer they will lie to you in the layers of your social network, and the more willing you will be to help them out when they need it,” Dunbar wrote. “And the more likely they are to help you.” That’s the power of having a clear and compelling reason to keep in touch.

Another insight Dunbar shared in his book is that we should organize our personal friendships in tiers of varying intensity and intimacy. In researching my book, I discovered the same trend but found the categories to be more fluid than rigid. Milestone events, lifestyle changes and evolving personal enthusiasms impact whose friendships we seek out and why.

After analyzing data he collected on small-scale societies, Dunbar identified our circles of friendship. He found that adults usually have one or two people in their most intimate tier, which is usually a significant other and/or a best friend. I found the same to be true in dozens of interviews. I call this the “bathtub tier” because there’s not much room in there.

Then there’s the three to five people in your Jacuzzi tier. These are your closest friends, the people you’d thank if you won an Academy Award. Next, there’s 10 to 15 people in your swimming pool tier. This could be your work friends, school friends, relatives, couples you go on double dates with and so on. These are the people whose friendships matter the most to you — the people you seek out, spend time with, encourage and support.

It’s important to understand these tiers because friendships are unusual in their ambiguity. I know my husband is my husband and that my sisters are my sisters. But adult friendships aren’t so defined.

This is a problem. Uncertainty creates anxiety. Giving your friends the gift of clarity about the status of your friendships will lessen anxiety on their part, which, in turn, will strengthen the friendship. Let your closest friends know that they — and their goals and dreams — are important to you. Tell them that you consider them a close friend and share why you love being their friend. Are they thoughtful? Caring? Intelligent and hilarious? Tell them!

When it comes to friendship, many people imagine they’d be happier with a web of close, highly engaged friends. But studies show that it feels better to be considered someone’s best friend than to have oodles of friends. That’s because being considered someone’s best friend is a powerful measure of your integrity, good character and inner beauty.

Letting your friends know that you cherish them in this way will make them more invested in the friendship. It can be scary to be so vulnerable and let someone know you value their friendship, but if they’re in your Jacuzzi tier, it’s wise to let them know that.

Next, find ways to spend in-person time together doing things you both care about. Create happy memories. Make them in person. Commit to staying in the friendship and being an exceptional teammate to one another.